Courtesy of Andy Borowitz, the funniest man on the internets (and slightly censored here and there by me ’cause, you know, what about the childrens?):
Before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign. After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair. And that raises the following question: are you f–ing kidding me?
I mean, let’s get real. I never heard of Libya. I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz. And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain. Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me. In fact, I was the front-f–ing-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants. (I have no idea what I meant by that — I just like saying 9-9-9.)
But here’s the part that really kills me. You’re kicking me to the curb because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt Gingrich? I repeat: are you f—ing kidding me? Oh, I know what you’re saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.” Well, Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.
The fun stuff for the next week or so will be watching the rest of the Not-Mitts pander for Cain’s “endorsement.” Michele Bachmann started even before he made his announcement and you can bet Li’l Ricky Santorum will be right behind (the implied but impolite pun is definitely intended). It will go to Gingrich, by the way; haven’t you noticed him sucking up to Herman throughout the debates?
All this is building up to yet another debate, this one moderated by…Donald Trump. Seriously, how can the GOP any longer be taken seriously?